Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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