My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I just had sex on a roof
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
