our cab driver is having phone sex.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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