I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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