So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
