Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
