Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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