remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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