I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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