If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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