Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
