Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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