did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
