I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
