ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
