Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
