He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
