I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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