Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
