I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
