Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Randomize
