just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
