HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
