My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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