When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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