There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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