I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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