No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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