On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Randomize
