You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
