i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
