I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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