If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
