your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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