I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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