He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
