Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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