It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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