Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
