if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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