I wish my penis had an off switch
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
