genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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