i already hear my dad disowning me
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
