i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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