my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
