And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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