I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Randomize
