I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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