Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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