Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
